me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
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Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
wtf is an acronym
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.