A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
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yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.