A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
#Caturday
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.