@AudreyPorne: a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she's muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
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@TheMichaelRock: My 8yo is watching a video of a guy watching a video of another guy flipping water bottles. Please pray for me during this difficult time.
@iamspacegirl: Geppetto: I wish you were a real boy Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around* Geppetto: yay! [3 hrs later] Geppetto: This was a mistake
@bridger_w: If you're behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
@chuuew: FARMER: can I help you, sir? ME: this ain't my first rodeo, buddy FARMER: [narrows eyes] ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]