@AudreyPorne: a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she's muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
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@BigBagOfScum: Waiter, "Welcome to red lobster, I'm your seafood expert." me- "did you know octopuses have a beak?" W-"no" Me- "who's the expert now?"
@kumailn: "Forget our mess. I'll go into the beauty of the natural world." *Planet Earth 2. 100 snakes swarm iguana baby* "I'll go back to the news."
@LoneWolfStories: Her: Let's go shopping. Me: In your dreams. Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi. Me: Why are we still here?
@Diversion50: POLICE OFFICER: Your name? MAN: The Rock. POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name? MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.