@AudreyPorne: a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she's muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
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@LipstickSpice: I'm getting married! Well, I have a new boyfriend! Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night! FINE. Shoe salesman said "Come back soon".
@Mr_Kapowski: [walks into 4D ultrasound office] Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women Me: I just want to see my burrito again
@EJGomez: [sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle] "lmao yo who invited the lightweight"