a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
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I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Spring cleaning checklist…
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.