What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
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The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…