[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
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ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
crazy
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.