So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
You Might Also Like
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
But wait…
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!