How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
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Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.