A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
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WOMAN: who鈥檚 a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it鈥檚 silly william now.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you鈥檇 never ask
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Yes, but it was never about money
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don鈥檛 sync your watches before a mission
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 馃憤
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
*Christmas with The Schr枚dingers
Dr. Erwin Schr枚dinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It鈥檚 always vodka.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.