When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
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*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years