I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
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*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I camp so other people don’t have to.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire