A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
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her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*