A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
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Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
sin harder.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena