a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
You Might Also Like
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.