A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
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Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.