A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
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Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Monday?
No. Next question.
guys I’m going home
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.