A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
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Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.