A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
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[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes