@13spencer: A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don't worry; I yelled "I'm taken," and ran into the men's bathroom where she can't follow.
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@hippieswordfish: b-52's songs: -'love shack' -'hate shed' -'sad tent' -'happy igloo' -'frustrated RV' -'depression garage' -'melancholy lake house'
@pattonoswalt: Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you're Iron Man. What could it hurt?
@doublewenis: Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.