A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
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“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
So creative 😂
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me: