@MartaEffing: A hot mess? No, thanks. Sounds sticky and uncomfortable. I prefer my messes like I prefer my revenge: cold and served to someone else.
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@DevinSiebold: Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez... the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
@lyric_intent: It doesn't matter how up-to-date your donor card is, the hospital gets really judgey when you drop off a liver unannounced.
@somecleverthing: Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.