@MartaEffing: A hot mess? No, thanks. Sounds sticky and uncomfortable. I prefer my messes like I prefer my revenge: cold and served to someone else.
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@Mr_Kapowski: We should've cremated Michael Jackson in case of the zombie apocalypse or else people will think they're part of a Thriller flash mob
@lloydrang: Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
@SondraDeeMe: [train] GUY: Please take my seat. ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you. GUY: How far along are you? ME: 5 stops.