coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
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Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Ron is short for Aaronald
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.