@GinAndJif: A hug is basically a mini hostage situation.
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@DjJazzyJeffro: A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
@SortaBad: saleslady: can I help you "yes, how many leg holes do these pants have?" saleslady: ummm just the usual two "nice, nice"
@SortaBad: "I'm excited for the continental breakfast" *sees a buffet just full of ice cubes* "What the..." Sign: Today's Continent is Antartica
@AnOrangeSNES: I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.