Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
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Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
My life in a nutshell
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Our lord and savoury.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of