lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
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Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
what’s more important?
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
i smell a pulitzer
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.