A huge thanks to the person that did this
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Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves