I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
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Guilty! 🤪
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
listen closely
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Breaking news:
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare