@MartaEffing: A humpback whale pulling millions of krill into its mouth, but it's me at a party where they just served shrimp.
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@squirrel74wkgn: She says, the kids want to go to the circus. I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid's closet wearing a clown costume.
@Home_Halfway: Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say "Over there."
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Go to bed 5-year-old: One more question Me: Fine 5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter? Me 5: Me: Get some coffee
@InternetHippo: me: this MAN thinks he's ENTITLED to my time! hey buddy i don't OWE you anything!! my boss: do you…know how jobs work