Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
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ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.