Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.