@BlackCatBettie: A jealous woman...can make the FBI look like mall security.
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@tastefactory: "What're you in for?" "I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it." "We've all been there, brother."
@hrtbps: "How can it be global warming," pondered @realDonaldTrump, "if it's cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard."
@upsidedowntrash: [God creating lizards] God: How about a snake with arms and legs? Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]