A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
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If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
2 years later
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…