@BlackCatBettie: A jealous woman...can make the FBI look like mall security.
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@JohnFugelsang: Car in front of me at red light has a bumper sticker says 'honk if you love Jesus.' So I honk. Then he gives me the finger.
@sip_at_home_mom: Meatloaf wouldn't have looked so winded if he'd just named the one thing he won't do, instead of listing everything he would.
@ElleOhHell: Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
@david8hughes: Therapist: what was it like growing up? Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.