A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
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FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Dammit Chief not again
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
when someone compliments me
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions