A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
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3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I like crazy people until they notice me
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.