A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
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[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Pretty much. 🤣
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
We need to put an American base on the sun