A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
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Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.