A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
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The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that