A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
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*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?