If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
You Might Also Like
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
seems like a niche market
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that