*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
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It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower