Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
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[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom