@farleftcoast: A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.
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@Chumpstring: [sinking ship] CAPTAIN: dammit RAT: i'm leaving CAPTAIN: i'm staying CAPTAIN'S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i'm excited to see how this plays out
@MarcusTheToken: I left some acorns in the spot where I killed a squirrel because I'm thoughtful. Also because a gang of squirrels burned a cross in my yard.
@Beatonm5: Next time someone asks you how you slept, close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
@mynameisntdave: ME: I love u GF: omg ME: and I wanna be with u always GF: *crying* ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u-- GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG