*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
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I said we supposed to be saving our money.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
6. me as a lawyer
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.