A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
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Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
you will never know the true number of layers
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating