A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
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*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Ape together strong
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
new career option?
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations