A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
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So, can we agree on 4 or
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
📽️movie date🎞️
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat