A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
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“what that mouth do?” complain
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.