A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
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Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Cats are still liquid.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I am yelling
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….