@WheelTod: A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
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@inmybox07: My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won't put it down
@RocketRankoon: I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
@dubstep4dads: [In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD