A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
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Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
you have three unread messages
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.