A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
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My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I’m ready for Halloween this year
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m