Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
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Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
This is why I hate group projects
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.