a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
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I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Banking tips
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right