@rachelle_mandik: a kid i met insisted she visited the "vampire state building" and i couldn't bring myself to correct her
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@mommy_cusses: My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
@itshotterhere: Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn't break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
@Merman_Melville: (Someone finally shuts off a car alarm) Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT