a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
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This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”